This used to be my playground
by kaydi
Summary: Remus's pov for the start of the 3rd book. some flashbacks. really sweet songfic.


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This Used To Be My Playground

Okay, I had to do this song for a solo and I got to thinking about how it fits in so well, with how Remus must have been feeling. So I hope you like. I know I do. In fact this is one of my favorite things I've done, just cause the song means so much to me. Thankz and pppllleeeeaaaaasseeee review. Please? * makes puppy eyes and begs for reviews.)

****

This used to be my playground [used to be]

This used to be my childhood dream

Dear Remus Lupin,

It is my pleasure to inform you that the position of Defense Against the Dark Arts is open. It would be a great honor if you would accept our proposal to take the job. Arrangements have been made. Please send a reply immediately.

Professor Dumbledore, headmaster

I look up from the neatly folded piece of paper. Me a professor? Wait till Prongs and Padfoot hear about this. Then I remember. How could I forget? It's been more than twelve years. Prongs can't hear me and Padfoot is just as gone, though he and I are the only ones who still live. He wouldn't care anyway. My eyes wander to my mantle where an old picture sits, the only ornament there. My gaze seems to wander there more often lately. 

Four boys look up from their latest plot to wave at me. In the background a huge castle rises up, casting a long dark shadow over the boys. That place was the place where I felt the most at home. It was the place where I could be myself and not be ashamed. All because of them. I left it many years ago. I left that life behind. The question is, can I go back?

**__**

This used to be the place I ran to

Whenever I was in need

Of a friend

Why did it have to end?

The train is busy and noisy. Parents with last minute instructions, friends meeting for the first time in months. It was here that I met James and Sirius. They ran into each other, they said. As I recall, Sirius said, "literally." Whenever he remembered it. 

More memories threaten to cloud my brain and I seek an empty compartment. The last one works just fine. I hope the ride will be a smooth one. The full moon was only a few days ago. About a week after I heard of Sirius's escape. I don't know how he did it, but I have an idea. It doesn't matter know anyway. All that matters now is that I get a good peaceful ride. Maybe I can even take a little nap before I have to go back. 

**__**

And why do they always say

Don't look back

Keep your head held high

"Sirius!" 

"Moony! How are you? How was your summer?" the tall energetic fifteen year old grinned at his friend. 

"Great! How's your sister?" Sirius laughed. Remus and Adhara Black were officially going out even though Addi, as she was called by her friends, was a muggle, opposed to her magic twin. 

"Padfoot, Moony!" they were joined by a tall messy haired boy, the ringleader of their little gang. James. 

They laughed and talked of their summer. Sirius and his sister were currently living with James, Sirius's father having been killed in their third year. When they bored the train, they began a series of new schemes and new tricks to play on their teachers, fellow students, and favorite victim, Severus Snape. Remus smiled as he sat with the best friends he had ever know, the ones who had accepted him for what he was and didn't hid in fear of him. Instead they were planning a new plot. One more daring and dangerous than n anything they had ever done and probably would ever do. All for him. 

****

Don't ask them why

Because life is short

I am woken from my sleep by voices. I am startled to hear James's voice and I realize it must be Harry. I open my eyes just in time to see the compartment go black. There are several shouts from the other passengers in our compartment. The hair on the back of my neck raises.

"Quiet!" I hiss. They are silent. I light my wand. Just then the door slides open. It is as I feared. Dementors. The coldness, guilt, and dread swirl up around me but I push them aside. "Leave, none of us are hiding Sirius Black under our cloaks." I whisper the Potronus spell and the dementor glides away. I turn back to Harry and his friends. I am not surprised to see Harry on the floor. 

**__**

And before you know

You're feeling old

When he wakes and opens his eyes, I stare in wonder. It is odd how much he looks like James and yet there is so much of Lily in those green eyes. He is thirteen years old. It is hard to imagine I was once that young. I once had friends. I can picture James, Sirius, Peter, Lily, Addi, and Erin, gathering around me just like they would have done, just like Harry's friends are doing now. He looks up at me and I know I must get away before I break down and tell him everything. 

**__**

And your heart is breaking

Don't hold on to the past

It's over I tell myself as I make my way toward the engine. James and Lily are dead. Peter is dead. Sirius is as good as. But he would never betray us, a little voice in the back of my mind whispers. For twelve years that voice has never left me alone. I do my best to ignore it, to stick to the facts, but I can't.

**__**

Well that's too much to ask

This used to be my playground [used to be]

This used to be my childhood dream

I step out of the carriage. I see Harry and his friends confronted by a blond pale-faced boy. He looks like Luscious Malfoy.

"Is there a problem?" I ask.

"No, professor." The boy says sneering. Yep, he's a Malfoy. I shake my head and make my way inside.

It has not changed much. In spite of myself, I find myself staring around like a first year. I remember when we first came in here. Sirius was so scared, although he tried to hide it. James was shaking. I seem to recall Sirius telling me I looked green. I smile.

**__**

This used to be the place I ran to

Whenever I was in need

Of a friend

"Remus?" I turn. It's Professor Dumbledore.

"Hello, professor."

He smiles at me. "I'm glad you decide to join us. It has been too long." He reaches out and takes my hand in a handshake. I try to smile and fail. The memories in this place are overwhelming. I wonder if I can make it through a whole year with every crack in the wall, every painting, every step, holds a memory of my past. I let out a shaky breath.

**__**

Why did it have to end?

Dumbedore looks at me. "I know this is hard for you, Remus. Especially with Sirius's recent escape." He had to bring that up. But I'm good at lying. It's a talent I've acquired over the years.

"I'm fine, sir. Just hungry." I think he can tell I'm lying. But he says nothing. He leds me into the Great Hall.

**__**

Live and learn

Well the years they flew

And we never knew

I look around and on instinct move toward the Gryffindor table. Dumbledore takes my arm and leads me toward the teacher's table. I feel strange sitting up here. I can see everything. I see Harry's friend, the red head. But there is no sign of Harry or his female friend. 

**__**

We were foolish then

We would never tire

I can see the seat that were always occupied by my friends and me. Oddly enough both James's and my seat are empty. Sirius's seat is filled by the red head. A Weasly, if I'm not mistaken. His father, Arthur, was my trainer when I was learning to be an auror. Nice guy. 

I smile as I remember our first prank. Fireworks under Dumbledore's chair. 

__

And that little fire

Is still alive in me

I watch the sorting with a disinterested air. It seems far away. I seem to see not the faces of the cowering first years. But James's face, Sirius's, Peter's, Lily's and Erin's. All my friends are still lined up waiting their turns. I see myself, in the company of my new friends who would come to embrace for what I was and not fear me. I don't think they ever feared me. And I was grateful. 

I remember them all with their goofy pranks and knowing smiles. The first real friends I ever had, and it seems the only ones. And now I am the only one left. 

**__**

It will never go away

Can't say goodbye to yesterday [can't say goodbye]

Harry returns now. I am not surprised to see him settle into James's old seat. The girl takes mine. Dumbledore makes his announcements. I don't really listen, it's simple. He's telling them about the dementors. Of course I know all about Sirius's quest. He was always determined and when he set his mind on something, nothing could dissuade him. Not even dementors. 

Now he introduces me. There is a scattering applause. I don't care. Harry, and his friends are some of those clapping. I still don't care. I am not really paying attention.

**__**

This used to be my playground [used to be]

This used to be my childhood dream

God, there are so many memories in this place. It hurts so much. Almost as much as when they brought me the news.

**__**

This used to be the place I ran to

Whenever I was in need

Of a friend

Knock, knock!

"What is it?" Addi called as she dragged herself out of bed. Remus groaned beside her. She pulled on a bathrobe and went to answer the frantic pounding on the door. 

It was Sirius. His face was pale and his chest was heaving. "Sirius? What is it?" Addi asked. Sirius stumbled in.

"Remus." He gasped.

"Remus!" she screamed!

He flew into the sitting room and was horrified to see his friend in such a state. 

"Sirius, what's wrong?"

"James and Lily." Sirius whispered. 'He found them. They're dead." he buried his face in his hands.

"Oh, god." Remus breathed. No, it couldn't be possible. James and Lily were fine. They couldn't be dead. They had cast that spell. It could only be broken if the keeper told. He forgot to breathe as he realized the truth in that. 

Sirius had got to his feet. 

"Peter." He gasped. Remus was shocked to see a fire in his friend's eyes he'd never seen before. 

"Harry?" Addi asked.

"He's fine. Voldemorts gone. But James and Lily.." he chocked on his word.s

"I have to find Peter." And with that he was gone, leaving Remus and Addi alone in their grief. Remus must have sat on that coach for the rest of the night and most of the morning when the doorbell rang again. 

It was Dumbledore. "Professor, is it true?'

"I see Sirius has already been here." He said quietly.

"yes, he came this morning. What happened?" Dumbledore told them the story. How Voldemort had come and killed both James and Lily, but Harry had stripped him of his powers and driven him away. Then he dropped the bombshell.

"Sirius has been arrested this morning."

"Why?" Remus asked shocked.

"He killed Peter and twelve muggles." Peter too? No! this was not possible.

"Witnesses say they were arguing and Sirius pulled out his wand. There was an explosion and when the dust cleared, there was nothing left of Peter but a finger." He paused to see how Remus was taking it. Remus stared at the ground. It was getting hard to breathe.

"Sirius was laughing. Just standing there laughing. He was still laughing when they took him away. He's being charged with turning traitor."

"Sirius? No, Sirius would never. He wouldn't turn."

"I wish I could believe it. But there is no proof. He was the Potter's secret keeper and now this with Peter. I'm sorry, Remus. I really am." He left Remus alone with the horror of losing his friends.

****

Why did it have to end?

And why do they always say?

I sit up in my bed, gasping for breath. I sweep my gaze across the strange room before I remember where I am. Hogwarts.

**__**

No regrets

But I wish that you

Were here with me

I pulled the covers aside and slip out of bed. I walk to the window and stare out across the lake. 

**__**

Well then there's hope yet

I can see your face

In our secret place

I can see the outline of the whomping willow and if I stare hard enough, I can just see three boys moving swiftly across the grounds toward it. I wonder if there is something here. 

**__**

You're not just a memory

There are shadows of my friends everywhere I turn. I pull out the picture of us in our fifth year. We all had one made. James's sat on his mantle. I don't know what happened to it. I never found it when I went through the wreckage of his home. Peter's again I never found, Sirius's is gone too. I have a feeling it is wherever he is. 

**__**

Say goodbye to yesterday [the dream]

Those are words I'll never say [I'll never say]

Afterwards, people always told me to move on, to forget was it past and move on. But I never could. Never. There was something that bothered me. Something that made me hang on for dear life to the memories. 

**__**

This used to be my playground [used to be]

This used to be our pride and joy

I am the last marauder. But still there is something in me that tells me I am not alone. It sounds like Sirius's voice. Hardened and hoarser with age and pain, but still his. It makes me smile for a moment. 

**__**

This used to be the place we ran to

That no one in the world could dare destroy

My smile fades. God, I miss them. A tear slides down my cheek as I stare at the moon. Another two weeks and it'll be full. I'll be alone. No Padfoot, Prongs, or Wormtail this time. 

**__**

This used to be our playground [used to be]

This used to be our childhood dream

I remember the courtroom. When they brought Sirius in. how he sat in silence up until they sentenced him. Even I, who was horrified and shaken by what he had done, I who had more reason than most to hate him, was shocked when they didn't give him a trial. I thought even he deserved that much. My heart breaks as I remember the last part. When they sentenced him, he sat up in horror. Then he turned his eyes on me. We locked our gazes for one second before they pulled him away. I couldn't look at him. He pulled away from his guards and ran toward me.

"Remus, please. I didn't do it! I'm innocent! Addi, Believe me! Please! I'm innocent! Oh god! Please! I'm innocent!" he didn't stop screaming his innocence as they dragged him from the court. 

**__**

This used to be the place we ran to

I wish you were standing here with to me.

His cries still ring in my ears. Guilty or not, he was my best friend. His eyes begged me to believe him and I turned away.

**__**

This used to be our playground [used to be]

This used to be our childhood dream

This used to be the place I ran to

The best things in life are always free

As I look out on the grounds, I see four creatures make their way across the lawn. A stag, a rat, a werewolf, and a dog. They fade until they are gone as if a sudden winds has swept up and blown them away. The tears come more steadily now. Padfoot, if you're out there. Please, forgive me. I miss you. Prongs, wherever you are, watch over our friend. 

**__**

Wishing you were here with me.

A lonely howl of a dog, echoes across the forest then fades into the night.


End file.
